The Duggars.
There, I mentioned them. A celebrity couple with nearly two dozen children doesn't profoundly influence my thoughts on children and family size, so I doubt I'll be referencing them from now on.
-- SJ
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Defining Terms
Thanks for your comments! If you don't mind, I'll keep posting according to my outline (which I found, yay) -- always taking your comments into account. When I'm done, we'll see what I didn't think to mention, and go from there.
I need to define "the Quiverfull mentality" so that everybody knows what I, at any rate, am talking about.
By "Quiverfull" I mean the teaching that it is Scriptural and God's will for all Christian families to have as many children "as God gives them." This means not using the Pill or any artificial contraception (condoms, diaphragm, etc.). But it also means you don't take steps AT ALL to prevent pregnancy -- including tracking your cycle and abstaining during fertile times.
I'm not talking about couples who have large families. Not even couples who have large families and don't use birth control and are persuaded it's what God has called them to do. I'm talking about teachers and families who put pressure on others to have many children, without any attempt to control it, because "that's what God wants."
In all the years that I sat under Quiverfull teaching, including an entire week-long class on pregnancy and birth, we girls were never once taught how to track our cycles. The conclusion, both stated and implicit, was that a Godly couple wouldn't be trying for or against a pregnancy, so why bother to know your fertile times?
Although I shed a lot of that thinking as I got older (and married and pregnant and a mother), it's still hard to come right out and say that, God and my body cooperating, I don't want to have any more children.
Does that statement look as stark, selfish, and worldy to you as it does to me? If so, you understand what I'm working through here.
Obviously I'm writing from my own point of view: how this mindset has affected me as I've realized that my body works all too well in the fertility department. I'd love to hear from others of you on the other side: how Quiverfull thinking says that a woman's highest earthly calling is to have children... so where does that leave you if you can't have them?
And, finally, something I will repeat many times. I love my children and am grateful for each one of them. I mourn the one pregnancy I lost four years ago. If I do get pregnant again, I'll welcome the new child with joy. I love YOUR children, even the ones you haven't had yet. Children are a blessing.
-- SJ
I need to define "the Quiverfull mentality" so that everybody knows what I, at any rate, am talking about.
By "Quiverfull" I mean the teaching that it is Scriptural and God's will for all Christian families to have as many children "as God gives them." This means not using the Pill or any artificial contraception (condoms, diaphragm, etc.). But it also means you don't take steps AT ALL to prevent pregnancy -- including tracking your cycle and abstaining during fertile times.
I'm not talking about couples who have large families. Not even couples who have large families and don't use birth control and are persuaded it's what God has called them to do. I'm talking about teachers and families who put pressure on others to have many children, without any attempt to control it, because "that's what God wants."
In all the years that I sat under Quiverfull teaching, including an entire week-long class on pregnancy and birth, we girls were never once taught how to track our cycles. The conclusion, both stated and implicit, was that a Godly couple wouldn't be trying for or against a pregnancy, so why bother to know your fertile times?
Although I shed a lot of that thinking as I got older (and married and pregnant and a mother), it's still hard to come right out and say that, God and my body cooperating, I don't want to have any more children.
Does that statement look as stark, selfish, and worldy to you as it does to me? If so, you understand what I'm working through here.
Obviously I'm writing from my own point of view: how this mindset has affected me as I've realized that my body works all too well in the fertility department. I'd love to hear from others of you on the other side: how Quiverfull thinking says that a woman's highest earthly calling is to have children... so where does that leave you if you can't have them?
And, finally, something I will repeat many times. I love my children and am grateful for each one of them. I mourn the one pregnancy I lost four years ago. If I do get pregnant again, I'll welcome the new child with joy. I love YOUR children, even the ones you haven't had yet. Children are a blessing.
-- SJ
The Pill Turns 50
My friend Rachelle sent me the link to this article from Christianity Today.
My purpose here is to explore the idea of having children and whether you should ever decide you're done. Obviously birth control is included in the package, but it's not a subject I feel like hashing out in full. Still, I like this article because I liked following the author's thoughts. She mentioned several things I've been thinking about and we've been talking about here.
Check it out.
My purpose here is to explore the idea of having children and whether you should ever decide you're done. Obviously birth control is included in the package, but it's not a subject I feel like hashing out in full. Still, I like this article because I liked following the author's thoughts. She mentioned several things I've been thinking about and we've been talking about here.
Check it out.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Part I: Family Size And...
-- SJ
Lots of us have lots more to say on the subject of family size. It's an interesting subject in and of itself. But for those of us who have wrestled to reconcile the Quiverfull ideal with the reality of our own motherhood, it's a subject fraught with conflicting emotions and ideas.
I loved y'all's comments on the blog and on Facebook. I probably won't reference them individually, but have taken all of them into consideration as I worked out what else to write on the subject. Everything I say is up for discussion, of course. Unlike many people who write and teach in this area, I don't assume I know all the right answers.
That said, there's a great deal I want to say. So much that I've decided to move the whole discussion off my main blog. So much that I'll post in parts. So much that I actually sat down and outlined what I wanted to write.
Of course, then I lost the outline. So here's a facsimile, complete with subheads and stuff for ease of commenting.
Here's Part One.
Note: I'd like to thank my mother and mother-in-law for never pressuring us either to have more children, or not to have any more. Coming from the primary mothers in our lives, that has meant a great deal to us.
The Truth About children
Children are blessings. Children are burdens.
It's a mistake to assume that the two -- blessing and burden -- are mutually exclusive. Many burdens are good. Ask a backpacker why he puts up with that burden on his back, and you'll get a funny look. Ask a couple why they want to take on the burden of a child, however, and they feel they need to justify it.
It's important to acknowledge both aspects of children. It's not all trial and tribulation, just like it's not all sweetness and light. And then it's important to emphasize that their burdensomness doesn't invalidate their blessedness.
Family Size and the Bible
The Bible presents a God who loves children. But as for family size, it says nothing definitive. Large families are portrayed as positive and good. But so are small families. And neither one is a sure path to righteousness. Ever actually paid attention to families in the Bible? Do, and you'll be less enthusiastic over the idea of a "Biblical family."
In fact, if you stop to count, you realize that most women in the Bible had three or four children at most. (That is, the children who lived.) Jacob was the patriarch of twelve children -- but he had two wives and two concubines! Heck, anybody could have twelve children if there are four women chipping in.
You can drag out a few verses as proof-texts, but the fact is, the Bible doesn't say whether you should have lots of children or only a few. It doesn't say, "Trust in the Lord with your womb, and decide not on your own family size." Even the original command to Adam and Eve, to "be fruitful and multiply," is fulfilled as soon as you have a child. Or if you want to be technical about it, two children (2 x 1 = 2).
You're welcome to have a large family if that's what God has called you to. But don't try to point to the Bible and say it's a universal principle.
Family Size and Today's Society
Children have always been viewed with mixed emotions. There wasn't a time "back then" when people received every child with joy and welcome. That's one of my irritations with the Quiverfull crowd: they complain that society today doesn't like children, unlike in the past when people were more God-honoring (by which they seem to mean Victorian times, when large families were due more to ignorance of the fertility cycle than to love of children).
Most of today's society hasn't lost sight of the blessedness of children -- as long as it's the first or second one. It does seem that three or more children lose their blessedness and appear only burdensome. Plus, I think that "accidental" children aren't as accepted as they used to be because it's possible to control much more precisely how many children are actually brought into being. When something is no longer considered inevitable, people don't have to try to accept it.
But the fact is, societies in general are notoriously unstable on many issues. So if your stance on family size is in reaction to your society, you aren't really standing on firm ground. "Being countercultural" isn't one of the Fruits of the Spirit.
Lots of us have lots more to say on the subject of family size. It's an interesting subject in and of itself. But for those of us who have wrestled to reconcile the Quiverfull ideal with the reality of our own motherhood, it's a subject fraught with conflicting emotions and ideas.
I loved y'all's comments on the blog and on Facebook. I probably won't reference them individually, but have taken all of them into consideration as I worked out what else to write on the subject. Everything I say is up for discussion, of course. Unlike many people who write and teach in this area, I don't assume I know all the right answers.
That said, there's a great deal I want to say. So much that I've decided to move the whole discussion off my main blog. So much that I'll post in parts. So much that I actually sat down and outlined what I wanted to write.
Of course, then I lost the outline. So here's a facsimile, complete with subheads and stuff for ease of commenting.
Here's Part One.
Note: I'd like to thank my mother and mother-in-law for never pressuring us either to have more children, or not to have any more. Coming from the primary mothers in our lives, that has meant a great deal to us.
The Truth About children
Children are blessings. Children are burdens.
It's a mistake to assume that the two -- blessing and burden -- are mutually exclusive. Many burdens are good. Ask a backpacker why he puts up with that burden on his back, and you'll get a funny look. Ask a couple why they want to take on the burden of a child, however, and they feel they need to justify it.
It's important to acknowledge both aspects of children. It's not all trial and tribulation, just like it's not all sweetness and light. And then it's important to emphasize that their burdensomness doesn't invalidate their blessedness.
Family Size and the Bible
The Bible presents a God who loves children. But as for family size, it says nothing definitive. Large families are portrayed as positive and good. But so are small families. And neither one is a sure path to righteousness. Ever actually paid attention to families in the Bible? Do, and you'll be less enthusiastic over the idea of a "Biblical family."
In fact, if you stop to count, you realize that most women in the Bible had three or four children at most. (That is, the children who lived.) Jacob was the patriarch of twelve children -- but he had two wives and two concubines! Heck, anybody could have twelve children if there are four women chipping in.
You can drag out a few verses as proof-texts, but the fact is, the Bible doesn't say whether you should have lots of children or only a few. It doesn't say, "Trust in the Lord with your womb, and decide not on your own family size." Even the original command to Adam and Eve, to "be fruitful and multiply," is fulfilled as soon as you have a child. Or if you want to be technical about it, two children (2 x 1 = 2).
You're welcome to have a large family if that's what God has called you to. But don't try to point to the Bible and say it's a universal principle.
Family Size and Today's Society
Children have always been viewed with mixed emotions. There wasn't a time "back then" when people received every child with joy and welcome. That's one of my irritations with the Quiverfull crowd: they complain that society today doesn't like children, unlike in the past when people were more God-honoring (by which they seem to mean Victorian times, when large families were due more to ignorance of the fertility cycle than to love of children).
Most of today's society hasn't lost sight of the blessedness of children -- as long as it's the first or second one. It does seem that three or more children lose their blessedness and appear only burdensome. Plus, I think that "accidental" children aren't as accepted as they used to be because it's possible to control much more precisely how many children are actually brought into being. When something is no longer considered inevitable, people don't have to try to accept it.
But the fact is, societies in general are notoriously unstable on many issues. So if your stance on family size is in reaction to your society, you aren't really standing on firm ground. "Being countercultural" isn't one of the Fruits of the Spirit.
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