Part VII: The Bottom Line

I hate the phrase "the bottom line." It's cliched and overdone. And like most cliched, overdone lines, it's an easy shorthand to say what I want to. All of which has nothing to do with the actual post. Now for our feature presentation.

When I wrote my original post, I didn't expect to continue it in a blog-length ramble of thoughts. I'm glad I did it, though. Whether or not it's been helpful for all of you reading, the act of organizing my thoughts, putting them up for public review, and then taking in your thoughtful comments has clarified my thinking.

My conclusion is one of those really annoying ones that don't actually follow the question. (Jesus' favorite kind of answer, incidentally.) The question, if you recall, was "Can I, as a Christian desiring to honor and obey God, ever decide that I am done having children?"

The answer that I'm hearing after all these weeks (months, actually, since my last baby's birth) is: "Know God better."

It isn't a matter of figuring out the right thing to do, and doing it. I've lived much of my life trying to do that, and God always frustrates my attempt. This dilemma is more an opportunity for me to sit with God and talk over all these thoughts -- over and over and over -- and learn Who He is. Maybe He'll give me an answer one day, but I don't think He's really all that interested in knowing how well I score on my final exam. He'd rather I just get to know Him better.

I think He does let us make our own decisions, but we should always be willing to change if that's what He wants us to do. In other words, I can give away all my baby stuff in a year or two, but should be willing to go carseat shopping again if I need to.

I do feel more comfortable saying that I don't want to have any more children. I see more clearly how much of the Quiverfull philosophy is based on random Bible verses (including poetry) and underlying assumptions. I also realize that God hasn't patted me on the back and said, "Yes, I see your point. Okay, we'll work together, and you can be sure that you won't have any more children."

But I do think He has touched my hand and said, "I hear you. Come and know Me better."

-- SJ

Part IV: Trusting God

Please keep commenting -- your thoughts are very useful as I'm figuring out what I'll write about next. Only a few more posts and then I'll be (haha) done.

There's a fine line between "trusting God" and "trusting I know how my body works."

The Quiverfull philosophy says that God sends children as blessings, and that we shouldn't take any steps to prevent pregnancy. Wanting to control your fertility for any reason shows a lack of trust in God. As with many philosophies, this one looks good in theory, but when you run it in reality you discover some bugs.

As you find out after your first baby is born, there's no such thing as natural birth control. Breastfeeding suppresses your cycle for a while, but it's different with each woman. Some women don't get their cycles back for a year and a half after childbirth. Some women find themselves pregnant a month after giving birth. My cycle usually starts back somewhere around five to seven months after the baby is born. (I got pregnant with Stuart with Addie was eight months old.)

Furthermore, there's no obvious indication that you've ovulated until after the fact. I don't often take issue with the way God designed things, but seriously, that particular area needed a little more tweaking.

And our bodies aren't machines. They don't all work predictably. Some of them plain don't work right at all. If it's possible to be infertile, isn't it possible to be too fertile? A friend suggested that the use of plastics and artificial hormones in our food has affected fertility so that women ovulate more frequently than they should. There might be something in that, but there have always been women whose bodies don't seem to rest and recover between children like they should.

Given the wild variables from one mother to the next, it's unhelpful at best to say that we shouldn't take steps to avoid pregnancy. Sure, God opens and closes the womb -- but you don't get pregnant unless you're having sex while you're ovulating. Knowing how something works doesn't invalidate how God works.

Children are more than just the joining of a sperm and egg, more than just genetic variations of their parents. They're new souls. Obviously the decision to prevent or allow one of these new souls is weighty. But does God ever indicate that we don't have any say in that decision?

-- SJ

Defining Terms

Thanks for your comments! If you don't mind, I'll keep posting according to my outline (which I found, yay) -- always taking your comments into account. When I'm done, we'll see what I didn't think to mention, and go from there.

I need to define "the Quiverfull mentality" so that everybody knows what I, at any rate, am talking about.

By "Quiverfull" I mean the teaching that it is Scriptural and God's will for all Christian families to have as many children "as God gives them." This means not using the Pill or any artificial contraception (condoms, diaphragm, etc.). But it also means you don't take steps AT ALL to prevent pregnancy -- including tracking your cycle and abstaining during fertile times.

I'm not talking about couples who have large families. Not even couples who have large families and don't use birth control and are persuaded it's what God has called them to do. I'm talking about teachers and families who put pressure on others to have many children, without any attempt to control it, because "that's what God wants."

In all the years that I sat under Quiverfull teaching, including an entire week-long class on pregnancy and birth, we girls were never once taught how to track our cycles. The conclusion, both stated and implicit, was that a Godly couple wouldn't be trying for or against a pregnancy, so why bother to know your fertile times?

Although I shed a lot of that thinking as I got older (and married and pregnant and a mother), it's still hard to come right out and say that, God and my body cooperating, I don't want to have any more children.

Does that statement look as stark, selfish, and worldy to you as it does to me? If so, you understand what I'm working through here.

Obviously I'm writing from my own point of view: how this mindset has affected me as I've realized that my body works all too well in the fertility department. I'd love to hear from others of you on the other side: how Quiverfull thinking says that a woman's highest earthly calling is to have children... so where does that leave you if you can't have them?

And, finally, something I will repeat many times. I love my children and am grateful for each one of them. I mourn the one pregnancy I lost four years ago. If I do get pregnant again, I'll welcome the new child with joy. I love YOUR children, even the ones you haven't had yet. Children are a blessing.

-- SJ