Part IV: Trusting God

Please keep commenting -- your thoughts are very useful as I'm figuring out what I'll write about next. Only a few more posts and then I'll be (haha) done.

There's a fine line between "trusting God" and "trusting I know how my body works."

The Quiverfull philosophy says that God sends children as blessings, and that we shouldn't take any steps to prevent pregnancy. Wanting to control your fertility for any reason shows a lack of trust in God. As with many philosophies, this one looks good in theory, but when you run it in reality you discover some bugs.

As you find out after your first baby is born, there's no such thing as natural birth control. Breastfeeding suppresses your cycle for a while, but it's different with each woman. Some women don't get their cycles back for a year and a half after childbirth. Some women find themselves pregnant a month after giving birth. My cycle usually starts back somewhere around five to seven months after the baby is born. (I got pregnant with Stuart with Addie was eight months old.)

Furthermore, there's no obvious indication that you've ovulated until after the fact. I don't often take issue with the way God designed things, but seriously, that particular area needed a little more tweaking.

And our bodies aren't machines. They don't all work predictably. Some of them plain don't work right at all. If it's possible to be infertile, isn't it possible to be too fertile? A friend suggested that the use of plastics and artificial hormones in our food has affected fertility so that women ovulate more frequently than they should. There might be something in that, but there have always been women whose bodies don't seem to rest and recover between children like they should.

Given the wild variables from one mother to the next, it's unhelpful at best to say that we shouldn't take steps to avoid pregnancy. Sure, God opens and closes the womb -- but you don't get pregnant unless you're having sex while you're ovulating. Knowing how something works doesn't invalidate how God works.

Children are more than just the joining of a sperm and egg, more than just genetic variations of their parents. They're new souls. Obviously the decision to prevent or allow one of these new souls is weighty. But does God ever indicate that we don't have any say in that decision?

-- SJ

Part III: Regretfully Obedient

It seems like it's easier to "be done" if I could say it regretfully.

"I gave away all our baby stuff and I'm happy with our family, but you know, I don't think I'll ever stop wanting another baby."

"I wanted more children, but with my health the way it is, I decided not to risk it."

"The doctor recommended that because of the scar tissue after the last surgery, I avoid pregnancy again. I look at all those baby clothes in the stores and just sigh."

If I could sound regretful, I could imply that I've bent to God's will despite my own desires. But what if I don't feel regretful? What if I look at the baby toys in the house and think, "Almost done with these, finally!" What if I pack a diaper bag with a bottle, yogurt, spoon, bib, toys, extra outfit, and diapers just to go to church, and tell myself, "Just another year or so and I won't have to do this again!"

I don't really even have any complicating circumstances. Our finances are sufficient; my health is great; my pregnancies are so good I could market them; I'm still young; all my children are very healthy. I have had three c-sections, yes; but I've healed up well from each one, so there's no grave risk in having more.

If I'm satisfied with only four children... does God's Will ever coincide so neatly with My Will?

Yes, it does. It must. I certainly wasn't regretful when I married Darren, and I have no question about whether God led us together. On the other hand, it's pretty easy to decide what I want and then assume that God agrees with me. And the theology I grew up with says that God will let you do whatever you want until you get yourself into a big mess. Or, alternatively, He'll orchestrate events to "get your attention," like the woman I once heard who said that their daughter died in a house fire because "God wanted to get our attention."

With a God like that hovering above you, it's risky to decide that your desires fit in with His will. Best if you do the opposite of what you want to do, because then you can at least be sure you're not following your selfish desires.

Over the past several years, I've slowly come to a different understanding of God and how He works. He doesn't force our obedience with fear, but He also rarely lets His children persist in selfishness. The desires we cherish are often planted by Him in the first place. As someone in the comments mentioned, the real test doesn't seem to be "What do I want?" but "How do go about I getting it?"

What do I want? I want to be done with babies. I want my family to be complete so I can mentally move on. I want my mothering to have a definite end in sight. How will I get these things? If I don't have any more children. Is that God's Will as well as mine? I suppose that remains to be seen.

-- SJ

Part II: How Many is a Witness?

If I say I'm "done," I worry that most listeners translate that into modern usage meaning 'I'd rather eat glass than have another child!" (as one woman actually said to a mother of eight). Of course, I try to avoid getting into discussions of my family planning, but it seems to be considered a topic of general interest in today's world.

Why should others' misinterpretation be a source of anxiety? Because we were always told that having many children was a witness to the world. Obviously you wouldn't want to tell The World that you're done having God's blessings.

Now that I'm revisiting the question anew, I wonder: maybe God isn't more honored by six children than by four. And if those six children are birthed due to a philosophy of bondage that leaves a couple feeling as if they have no choice in the matter -- there's very little honor to God in that case.

It seems that God calls some families to show the blessedness of children in an out-of-the-ordinary way. Darren and I are very fortunate to know some large families (by which I mean eight to twelve children). These families are amazing -- the parents are amazing -- and when I'm with them I find myself thinking, "I could do this!" But the fact is, I don't think I could. Theirs is a special calling, like those who are called to the mission field and those who are called to work among the poor. We all can spread God's word, help the poor, and have families; but some are given an extra measure to go the extra mile.

It's not a good idea to hold these large families up as the ideal that we're all reaching for. Quiverfull, I'm looking at you.

-- SJ

Just to Get It Done

The Duggars.

There, I mentioned them. A celebrity couple with nearly two dozen children doesn't profoundly influence my thoughts on children and family size, so I doubt I'll be referencing them from now on.

-- SJ

Defining Terms

Thanks for your comments! If you don't mind, I'll keep posting according to my outline (which I found, yay) -- always taking your comments into account. When I'm done, we'll see what I didn't think to mention, and go from there.

I need to define "the Quiverfull mentality" so that everybody knows what I, at any rate, am talking about.

By "Quiverfull" I mean the teaching that it is Scriptural and God's will for all Christian families to have as many children "as God gives them." This means not using the Pill or any artificial contraception (condoms, diaphragm, etc.). But it also means you don't take steps AT ALL to prevent pregnancy -- including tracking your cycle and abstaining during fertile times.

I'm not talking about couples who have large families. Not even couples who have large families and don't use birth control and are persuaded it's what God has called them to do. I'm talking about teachers and families who put pressure on others to have many children, without any attempt to control it, because "that's what God wants."

In all the years that I sat under Quiverfull teaching, including an entire week-long class on pregnancy and birth, we girls were never once taught how to track our cycles. The conclusion, both stated and implicit, was that a Godly couple wouldn't be trying for or against a pregnancy, so why bother to know your fertile times?

Although I shed a lot of that thinking as I got older (and married and pregnant and a mother), it's still hard to come right out and say that, God and my body cooperating, I don't want to have any more children.

Does that statement look as stark, selfish, and worldy to you as it does to me? If so, you understand what I'm working through here.

Obviously I'm writing from my own point of view: how this mindset has affected me as I've realized that my body works all too well in the fertility department. I'd love to hear from others of you on the other side: how Quiverfull thinking says that a woman's highest earthly calling is to have children... so where does that leave you if you can't have them?

And, finally, something I will repeat many times. I love my children and am grateful for each one of them. I mourn the one pregnancy I lost four years ago. If I do get pregnant again, I'll welcome the new child with joy. I love YOUR children, even the ones you haven't had yet. Children are a blessing.

-- SJ

The Pill Turns 50

My friend Rachelle sent me the link to this article from Christianity Today.

My purpose here is to explore the idea of having children and whether you should ever decide you're done. Obviously birth control is included in the package, but it's not a subject I feel like hashing out in full. Still, I like this article because I liked following the author's thoughts. She mentioned several things I've been thinking about and we've been talking about here.

Check it out.

Part I: Family Size And...

-- SJ

Lots of us have lots more to say on the subject of family size. It's an interesting subject in and of itself. But for those of us who have wrestled to reconcile the Quiverfull ideal with the reality of our own motherhood, it's a subject fraught with conflicting emotions and ideas.

I loved y'all's comments on the blog and on Facebook. I probably won't reference them individually, but have taken all of them into consideration as I worked out what else to write on the subject. Everything I say is up for discussion, of course. Unlike many people who write and teach in this area, I don't assume I know all the right answers.

That said, there's a great deal I want to say. So much that I've decided to move the whole discussion off my main blog. So much that I'll post in parts. So much that I actually sat down and outlined what I wanted to write.

Of course, then I lost the outline. So here's a facsimile, complete with subheads and stuff for ease of commenting.

Here's Part One.

Note: I'd like to thank my mother and mother-in-law for never pressuring us either to have more children, or not to have any more. Coming from the primary mothers in our lives, that has meant a great deal to us.

The Truth About children
Children are blessings. Children are burdens.

It's a mistake to assume that the two -- blessing and burden -- are mutually exclusive. Many burdens are good. Ask a backpacker why he puts up with that burden on his back, and you'll get a funny look. Ask a couple why they want to take on the burden of a child, however, and they feel they need to justify it.

It's important to acknowledge both aspects of children. It's not all trial and tribulation, just like it's not all sweetness and light. And then it's important to emphasize that their burdensomness doesn't invalidate their blessedness.

Family Size and the Bible
The Bible presents a God who loves children. But as for family size, it says nothing definitive. Large families are portrayed as positive and good. But so are small families. And neither one is a sure path to righteousness. Ever actually paid attention to families in the Bible? Do, and you'll be less enthusiastic over the idea of a "Biblical family."

In fact, if you stop to count, you realize that most women in the Bible had three or four children at most. (That is, the children who lived.) Jacob was the patriarch of twelve children -- but he had two wives and two concubines! Heck, anybody could have twelve children if there are four women chipping in.

You can drag out a few verses as proof-texts, but the fact is, the Bible doesn't say whether you should have lots of children or only a few. It doesn't say, "Trust in the Lord with your womb, and decide not on your own family size." Even the original command to Adam and Eve, to "be fruitful and multiply," is fulfilled as soon as you have a child. Or if you want to be technical about it, two children (2 x 1 = 2).

You're welcome to have a large family if that's what God has called you to. But don't try to point to the Bible and say it's a universal principle.

Family Size and Today's Society
Children have always been viewed with mixed emotions. There wasn't a time "back then" when people received every child with joy and welcome. That's one of my irritations with the Quiverfull crowd: they complain that society today doesn't like children, unlike in the past when people were more God-honoring (by which they seem to mean Victorian times, when large families were due more to ignorance of the fertility cycle than to love of children).

Most of today's society hasn't lost sight of the blessedness of children -- as long as it's the first or second one. It does seem that three or more children lose their blessedness and appear only burdensome. Plus, I think that "accidental" children aren't as accepted as they used to be because it's possible to control much more precisely how many children are actually brought into being. When something is no longer considered inevitable, people don't have to try to accept it.

But the fact is, societies in general are notoriously unstable on many issues. So if your stance on family size is in reaction to your society, you aren't really standing on firm ground. "Being countercultural" isn't one of the Fruits of the Spirit.