It seems like it's easier to "be done" if I could say it regretfully.
"I gave away all our baby stuff and I'm happy with our family, but you know, I don't think I'll ever stop wanting another baby."
"I wanted more children, but with my health the way it is, I decided not to risk it."
"The doctor recommended that because of the scar tissue after the last surgery, I avoid pregnancy again. I look at all those baby clothes in the stores and just sigh."
If I could sound regretful, I could imply that I've bent to God's will despite my own desires. But what if I don't feel regretful? What if I look at the baby toys in the house and think, "Almost done with these, finally!" What if I pack a diaper bag with a bottle, yogurt, spoon, bib, toys, extra outfit, and diapers just to go to church, and tell myself, "Just another year or so and I won't have to do this again!"
I don't really even have any complicating circumstances. Our finances are sufficient; my health is great; my pregnancies are so good I could market them; I'm still young; all my children are very healthy. I have had three c-sections, yes; but I've healed up well from each one, so there's no grave risk in having more.
If I'm satisfied with only four children... does God's Will ever coincide so neatly with My Will?
Yes, it does. It must. I certainly wasn't regretful when I married Darren, and I have no question about whether God led us together. On the other hand, it's pretty easy to decide what I want and then assume that God agrees with me. And the theology I grew up with says that God will let you do whatever you want until you get yourself into a big mess. Or, alternatively, He'll orchestrate events to "get your attention," like the woman I once heard who said that their daughter died in a house fire because "God wanted to get our attention."
With a God like that hovering above you, it's risky to decide that your desires fit in with His will. Best if you do the opposite of what you want to do, because then you can at least be sure you're not following your selfish desires.
Over the past several years, I've slowly come to a different understanding of God and how He works. He doesn't force our obedience with fear, but He also rarely lets His children persist in selfishness. The desires we cherish are often planted by Him in the first place. As someone in the comments mentioned, the real test doesn't seem to be "What do I want?" but "How do go about I getting it?"
What do I want? I want to be done with babies. I want my family to be complete so I can mentally move on. I want my mothering to have a definite end in sight. How will I get these things? If I don't have any more children. Is that God's Will as well as mine? I suppose that remains to be seen.
-- SJ
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I was pondering this issue while I walked around the skating rink yesterday.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's been an easy decision in the sense that I've never used birth control yet have only carried three daughters to term.
I have (at times desperately) wanted more children.
On the other hand, I can live guilt free and still enjoy the relative ease of a small family in my subfertility ; )
As of yesterday, my opinion is: have as many as you decide to have, unless otherwise informed directly by the Holy Spirit. And if you err, err on the side of too many blessings! (If you regret your decision to have that extra baby, remember I'm in the market to buy.)
Every child is a blessing. But we are allowed to make decisions based on our experience and reason.
I look forward to other women's perspectives on this.
Mollie Griffith
First I feel the need to address the comment...
ReplyDelete**like the woman I once heard who said that their daughter died in a house fire because "God wanted to get our attention."**
... that to me sounds like a cop-out for relieving ones sense of guilt. Meaning you can't feel guiltly about what happened because it must have been on purpose from God so you can sleep at night. If you feel you need to divert guilt, which in that case would seem appropriate and understandable, then there is something more than religious going on in your head. There could be 101 ways to get someones attention, having their child die in a fire does not have to be one of them. (that's my .02 on that one)
As for the comment of...
**I want to be done with babies. I want my family to be complete so I can mentally move on. I want my mothering to have a definite end in sight.**
... there is nothing wrong with wanting closure as to your role as a parent so you can move on with your life. While it may be debatable as to if you should, or should not have more children, to want to say "I am done" doesn't sound like a selfish statement. It sounds like you understand your personal limits, your personal comforts, and your personal desires - that are likely being put in your head from the higher power you question as far as if this is the right thing to think.
And if they weren't, where would these thoughts come from? They obviously didn't pop into your head while you tried to put your kids in a car and drive into a lake. They didn't come into your head when you were up all night in sweats and shaking because you felt 4 kids was more than you could handle.
You have these thoughts because you feel complete - and there's no reason to question why feeling complete is wrong.
Again, that's my .02. I wonder if people look for signs or try to make signs up (that mean something) when there's nothing to see. Meaning, to find an "answer" that says "this is right", or "this is wrong" isn't there - and you really need to decide for yourself.
I have always been a firm believer in self awarenes and understanding. Example: If you have a lump in your breast, see a Dr. Don't wait it out, and see if it is still there in a month, and ponder if it means anything. Be proactive and DO something about it because you feel something is wrong. I always go in for my yearly blood work and say "my iron is low, my cholesterol is high" and I am always right. If you know your body, you know what is right for your body. I think women who are "done" know what they can handle, but that's not to say another baby would be a bad thing. It's just, to be blunt, not necessary, not that the child would be unwanted or unloved. And 4 children isn't a minimum number these days, so you're not being looked upon in society as the woman who didn't have more kids.
I am "done" with one child... more than done. Overly done. And I am proud of my one sweet child whom I love more than anything else on this planet!!!
Mollie
I admit I fall into "the regretfully I'm done" category. My health is at risk if I do it again.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, my husband is delighted to be done and doesn't suffer from any guilt at his joy that this stage is coming to an end. And I admit that it helps me. It relieves me of any feeling that he wishes he had married a better baby-bearer; it relieves me of any angst that the children I have were meant to have more siblings. We have a wonderful family.
I'm grateful God doesn't let us persist in selfishness. But sorting through family size is such a huge issue. Selfishness can be a factor; I've heard it from people who limit their family size and from people who keep having more and more children. But just because you desire something, doesn't make it wrong or selfish. Trust God to let you know if you are to have more. And rejoice in that feeling of completeness you have now. The wonderful thing about a family is that one day you may have more to add in the form of in-laws, grandchildren, etc.... Your heart will have more to welcome even if your womb doesn't.
Mollie G, thanks for adding your last name, or else everybody would think that Mollie E had suddenly split her personality. What are the chances we'd get two Mollie-with-ie on the blog? And that's your Name Geek observation for the day.
ReplyDelete-- SJ
Just want to keep you on your toes Sara. Browine points for paying attention!
ReplyDeleteMollie - aka - Brinley's mom
I just got back to read other ladies' comments today(my pinched nerve keeps me away from the computer) and I was shocked to see Mollie commented after I did! That has to be a million to one odds.
ReplyDeleteMollie Griffith
"... that to me sounds like a cop-out for relieving ones sense of guilt."
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you mean false guilt, that inevitable stage of grief...I kinda hope so...
Anyway, that's sort of a springboard for what I was mentioning in my last comment.
I guess I don't see all events as personally orchestrated by an utterly transcendent, sovereign God. I believe that accidents (as with an accidental fire) are truly accidents. I believe that our choices have significance.
I also believe that, God being omnipotent, He may at times (for His own reasons, or because we are petitioning Him) intervene in natural events to circumvent them. In fact, I believe he does this frequently! But aside from that, an accident is an accident.
That's why we can have statistics, because the world runs the way its Maker set it up to run.
(The whole set-up, the cosmos and the amazing way it runs, *is* itself a miracle, but we call these divine SUPERnatural interventions "miracles" because we're sort of jaded by the "ordinary" miracles of everyday nature.)
So...translated into QF theology...no, I do not believe that with each and every conception God personally guides the sperm to the egg. Yes, it happens that way because of His design, but not every conception happens as a direct result of the will of God. Think of it: some children are conceived in flat-out sin that was NOT the will of God (rape, etc.).
(I think it's obvious that this issue is separate from the infinite value of each and every human soul--each person conceived bears the imago Dei, and on THAT basis is their life valued as precious and irreplaceable.)
So, because I am not reformed or whatever-you-call-it in my perspective, I really have no problem with a couple agreeing to be "through." QF theology seems to treat that, however, as almost a cutting off of "blessings" (i.e., real, individual, predetermined human lives). Does that make sense?
To me, once a life is conceived, I have a duty to love, accept, welcome, open my heart, provide, nurture, and all the rest that comes with being a parent.
But before that life is conceived, there really is no life to be obliged to.
One of my QF friends was shocked that I brought up a "what if" along the lines of: *if* I had married another Christian man (and I had full opportunity to do so, and it would not have been outside the "will of God" for me to do that, either, not according to Scripture), all things being equal I'd have had completely different children. It was shocking that I would even contemplate such a thing! God foreordained that I would marry THIS man and have THESE specific children. It's true, the interplay between our choices and God's sovereignty and foreknowledge is something of a mystery, but clearly, our choices *do* carry significance. If I had gone another way, and I very well could have, things would have unfolded quite differently. I have no trouble with an omniscient God being able to contain all possibilities.
Have I confused myself and everyone else enough? LOL! Theology really does play a key role in this, though.
Oh, I wanted to add that I don't feel regret either, so far.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if it will hit me later, or what, but I have never had the baby longing that other women report. Maybe just because I've had so many babies? I love babies, no question, and I fall in love with my own babies like everyone else does with theirs, and sit around staring ga-ga at them.
But like you, I go "whew" as each stage passes. The baby stage, sweet and adorable and wonderful as it is, is kinda hard on a mom with only two hands. ;) It gets a lot easier when everyone can dress himself and take herself to the potty, etc.